Welcome to Planet C-19

The last thing you need to know is that your transportation to Planet Covid 19 is permanent and irreversible. You will absolutely be here for the rest of your life.

By Anatole d’Ecotopia

Welcome to Planet Covid 19 — or “C-19” as some of us like to call it.

Please do not inquire into the whereabouts of Planets Covid One thru Eighteen — it’s an old joke, that’s not how the naming convention works.

Seriously — don’t ever do that again. There are a lot of things you are never going to be able to do again… best you start getting used to it. 

We apologize for your abrupt abduction and forced relocation to C-19, but really: You should have seen it coming. Your old world was rapidly becoming unsustainable for any complex life form, not merely your own. Given your own proclivity to breed like a large-scale viral infection, given your tendency to produce both intended and unintended weapons of mass destruction, it was deemed best by higher intelligence that the entire lot of you be transported here.

Another thing: ‘higher intelligence’ has nothing to do with the collective tribal myth you refer to as ‘God’. Do not ever do that again, either. Seriously. Just…don’t.

Now that you are here, there’s a few things you need to know. They may assist with your continued individual or collective survival, but probably won’t. We’re going to tell you anyway, because — unlike your tribal ‘god — higher intelligence actually does have a sense of humor. And you might surprise us all and actually pay attention for a change.

But you probably won’t.

The first thing you need to know is that what happened to you is neither fair, nor just, nor fated, nor connected to any of your tribal myths. It just is. You aren’t going to pray your way out of this, you aren’t going to schmooze your way out of this, and you certainly cannot buy your way out of this. You are spending the rest of your life on Planet C-19. Get used to it.

The next thing you need to know is that Planet C-19 owes you absolutely nothing, including survival. You’ve been an invasive species ever since you left Africa, far worse and more destructive than kudzu, english ivy, burmese pythons, and fire ants all rolled into one. Healthy biomes eventually evolve defenses against invasive species — as you may’ve noticed by now, yours is no exception.

In all likelihood, you will spend the rest of your life wearing a mask in public to slow the spread of the defense we evolved to limit your numbers. The mask won’t keep you from getting infected, it will just slow the spread to others of your kind. Yes, this is completely unfair. I believe we already discussed this.

Another thing you need to realize is that absolutely none of the tribal customs you evolved on Planet Earth have any guarantee of working on Planet C-19. Most of them didn’t work on Earth either, but that’s hardly a concern at this point.

Capitalism, Nationalism, and Tribalism are just as much threats to your continued existence as the reason you’re wearing that mask. The difference is that these are threats you are actually able to contain — even though you probably won’t.

The last thing you need to know is that your transportation to Planet Covid 19 is permanent and irreversible. You will absolutely be here for the rest of your life.

What you make of that is entirely up to you.

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